I am in the same boat. I have been alone now for 4 years after my 2nd husband of 15 years left me suddenly (he has narcissistic personality disorder), and I have not been able to truly recover from that experience enough to put myself out there. By the time it all fades (if it ever does), I'll be too old to care (I am 66).

I'm still working and trying to make it to 70 when I think I can retire and at least have enough to eat, pay bills, and have the necessities. I worry "they" will take my house to pay for medical care if I can't pay.

I am lonely and miss my children and mentally ill partner. It's all I know, and they were all the family I have in this world. I am truly alone, and It is my own trauma and childhood scripting that put me here, but I am kind enough to forgive myself for doing all I knew to do at the time.

My children all moved far away after I chose him over them repeatedly. They knew he was a predator and couldn't bear to watch him slowly digest me.

Like you, I will not go to a nursing home. I'm thinking of going up the coast to Oregon and trying to get euthanized if I get some major health issue. Not sure how that works.

I think there are a lot of people in the same boat, drifting toward the horizon.