“The art of love is largely the art of persistence.” Albert Ellis
I am so done with proponents and peddlers of polyamory and ethical non-monogamy. What a bunch of self-indulgent, entitled, superficial miscreants. Yes, I am going there, and yes, a judgment is forthcoming. I think it’s kind of personal, actually. They are shallow hedonists who have an inflated idea about themselves. And even more disconcerting is their assault on monogamy in such a shameful attempt to push their agenda.
So here’s the big news: One person is enough.
Nobody needs to bounce from bed to bed with multiple partners.
And yes, two people can have intimacy over years in a forever commitment that may be rocky from time to time but usually develops a depth and value that can never be achieved with the flavor of the month club mentality.
The kind of organic connection and unconditional permanent bond I had with my husband of 15 years was all I ever wanted. I did not need anything more. The idea of getting naked and jumping in the sack with a stranger for some nasty fun always felt repulsive, sickening, and wrong. I had zero desire to betray the man I loved and demean myself in that way.
And yes, sometimes the person we trust to be our forever partner turns out to be one of the ones who secretly lusts after new conquests, and one day the levee breaks, and they abandon their partner for the rush of the chase.
Foolish, empty people don’t have the depth of soul or the capacity to love just one person with such consummate devotion, passion, and heart that they would never turn away to look for something extra.
I want someone who knows how to love with the promise to stay and build a life to last with no chance of getting bored or losing interest. Those who stray are compelled by low and base desires which make them weak and foolish. They construct grand arguments to justify their vulgar actions. It happens increasingly often in a world filled with so much debauchery, vice, and greed.
I no longer have youth on my side, but I do hope that I will manage to experience the real love of a real man at least once in my life before the clock runs out and the game is over. I thought I had finally found it. I felt so close; it seemed so real. But it wasn’t, and in the end, he was weak, selfish, and cruel. And like so many tragic stories these days, his narcissism took away any real humanity or empathy. He never even looked back.
Just because he failed to love me doesn’t mean that forever love does not exist.
Love is powerful and the grandest thing on earth. When nurtured over years, it becomes stronger and more precious. I’ve witnessed it in awe many times. My grandparents had it. My next-door neighbors have it. My friends from church have it. It is real and it lasts forever.
I want that. Just once in my life.
Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to their own. When their loved one is hurt or in pain, they suffer as well. They could never give their love or their body or their soul or time or ears or hands or anything else for that matter to someone else. When they hold their partner close and look into their eyes, they know that it is all they will ever need in this world or the next. It is enough. It is everything.
Throughout history, wise ones have spoken of love.
“Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” Antoine de Saint-Exupery
“Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.” Emily Bronte
“Love is absolute loyalty. People fade, looks fade, but the loyalty never fades.”
Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity. Van Dyke
So dearly I love him, that with him, all deaths I could endure, without him, live no life. John Milton
My ex-mother-in-law and I enjoyed a girls' weekend recently and stayed at a nice hotel in downtown Austin while trying to find some respite in this tough time. There was a girl in her mid 20’s in the bar at the hotel where we went for a nightcap, and we started talking about life in LA where she lived. She said, ”People don’t date anymore these days… they just hook up and stuff like that. Most often there are drugs or alcohol, and everybody is just so busy, it’s like sometimes they’ll hang out again for a while and sometimes it’s just kind of a one-time thing and that’s cool too. Nobody really thinks about marriage or kids and stuff. We’re just having fun.”
“So no dinner and a movie? No holding hands and leisurely walks in the park?” I asked.
“Well, we do stuff. Maybe ride bikes somewhere or scooters. Maybe go hear music or do a fire-pit on the beach.”
My ex moved from Texas to California just days after the divorce was final. I briefly picture him in his new life without love, but a Svengali nonetheless as he moves from one girl to the next like the stealthy predator that he is.
I thought to myself that her hook up heaven sounded more like spring break or prom night in high school rather than a group of 20 and 30 somethings living free, swapping partners, poking around however they like. That’s just not what grownup moral people do. That’s what savages do. . . wild children whose parents are gone for the weekend. It’s not love — it is lust.
My ex recently told me,” Love and trust are the same thing. There are no labels, and there are no strangers. We can all share love in many forms and express that which is special in each of us.” It sounded like a narcissistic ‘word salad ‘to me. Nonsensical words and jumbled ideas spoken like slogans from a pseudo prophet cult leader. I bet psychopathic Charlie Manson seduced his harem with crazy ideas like this. He probably preached free love, too and sharing each other with unbridled abandon. You can love someone you don’t trust, and you can trust someone you don’t love. I think the problem is that people with personality disorders can do neither.
When a relationship ends, the loss of a romantic partner can, to some extent, cause the loss of the self if boundaries are not kept in place, but that is no excuse to fail to commit to a life with one person. It is a calculated risk that you put your faith and hope in one person and pray they do not betray that trust. Furthermore, not all relationships need to end. They simply need to evolve, change, and rebrand from time to time.
I may not be able to compete with a bonfire on the beach with half-naked girls dancing in the smoke and sparks, but I have a heart of fire that knows how passion never dies when you know how to love. I may not get swept away by the new rush of an unfamiliar body pressing against mine for the first time, but I know the outer body feeling of bliss and transcendence when a familiar love lays down beside me each night for 4,000 nights, 5,000 nights, and every night until the end of our lives.
I know how to love.
And I would not trade one night of predictability and peace with a forever partner for a hundred nights of the sweaty flesh and stench of a stranger. Mature, committed love for one person is the ultimate fulfillment of the spirit. It is a celebration of two people who become one. There is an intimacy that makes everything shinier and brighter, happier and lighter.
Love is powerful and redeeming.
Love is enough.
Love is forever.